FOMO & the Kids or Childfree Question
- 7 hours ago
- 9 min read
Whether my clients are leaning towards having kids or staying childfree, they’re often concerned about FOMO: Fear of Missing Out.
Those leaning towards having kids worry about missing out on the things they love about their childfree life today, such as their independence and freedom, or their ability to sleep in or travel on a whim.
Those leaning towards staying childfree worry about missing out on the experience of having a child/children, which is a powerful experience unlike anything else (so I’m told. I don’t have any!).
One thing that makes this topic so tricky is that you have a sense of what childfree living looks like for you today (of course, it can and will change over your lifetime, but at least it’s a starting point), but you cannot know what life with kids would look like. There’s not really a way to try on having kids for size. One can only guess.
That’s a big part of what makes this experience of choosing really scary. We are going into the unknown.
Parents often say that having kids is something unlike anything else in its magnitude, in its specialness, in the love you can experience for your child. So hearing that, it’s natural to worry that you’ll miss out on that pinnacle of life’s experience if you don’t have kids.
Has your fear of missing out gotten you stuck? If you're reading this blog post, I know it has!
I have a 2-hour On Demand class to help you find your way forward.
FOMO points us to a lot of important things worth spending time investigating. For instance, hidden inside the FOMO is the feeling of being an outsider. Moms might feel like an outsider if they're the first in the friend group to have a child, or if their circle is made of people who have chosen to stay childfree. Childfree people might feel left out if they're alone in a sea of moms. And fence-sitters might feel alienated while their friends who are more clear on their decision step right on past on their way towards motherhood or confident childfree living.
Here is how I’ve approached this topic with my clients when we’re thinking about and worrying about FOMO and the Kids or Childfree choice.
What Is vs. What Is Not
The first and foundational lesson is to root yourself in what is instead of ruminating about what is not.
If I’m constantly looking at all the things I don't have, the things I won’t feel, the things I’ll never experience, that’s going to lead to dissatisfaction.
It’s awe-inspiring to hear about my loved one’s powerful experience of childbirth. It’s beautiful to behold a close friend's bond with their infant. It’s lovely to watch someone I know relate to their teenager who is discovering their identity. These are incredible things to observe, but as a childfree woman, if I’m unable to take it in without constantly thinking about how I don’t have that, I’m on an inevitable road to discontentment.
Instead, I focus on what is in my own life. What connections do I enjoy? What experiences am I getting to have that I love? How can I find joy in what is?
If there are things bringing me dissatisfaction or feeling unfulfilled or unhappy, that’s an opportunity for me to look at what I can change to bring myself more contentment or fulfillment.
It’s not about saying that what I have is better than those parents over there. In fact, one big issue in the entire FOMO topic is comparison and envy. Rather, it’s about being present in my own life.
FOMO and friendship
If you’re in a situation where you are choosing one path, and your best friend is choosing the other, it can be scary. For instance, you might feel like she’s really immersed in being a parent and that you’re having less and less shared experiences and even starting to wonder if you still have shared values.
Sometimes, that’s just a phase, while your friend goes through a particularly demanding phase of motherhood. Other times, it could be permanent.
I do want to validate your concerns. There can be loss associated with this decision, be it with relationships, family members, or friendships, and it's a very tough thing to navigate.
Luckily, that’s not always what’s going to happen.
FOMO is closely related to fear of regret.
For more on regret, check out my blog post Will Future Me Regret My Choice?
First, it’s important to focus on what you do have in common.
When I look at one of my best friends who is a mom, I could think, Well, she’s a mom. She’s focused on her kid. She’s having these experiences that I’m not having. She has her mom friends. There are things about her life that I just don't get, and I feel left out.
Instead, I think, What do we have in common with each other? What are things we both enjoy?
While of course I hope I can talk to my friend about my childfree life, and I want to hear about her experience as a mother, it doesn't have to be the sole focus of our relationship. Think back to what bonded you before parenthood entered your friendship. Maybe it was a shared love of books, or cooking, or travel. Maybe you did the same sport. See if you can reconnect on those topics.
Second, remember that your differences can be an opportunity to bring something to the table that is missing. I felt really reassured when a mom friend told me that she’s grateful to have a connection with someone who brings non-kid related topics to the table. Especially in the early years when her babies had lots of needs and she was figuring this whole motherhood thing out, she was eager to grab onto something outside of the little kid bubble.
Keep in mind that, although your friend is now a mom and that is a huge and incredible part of her identity, it’s not all she is. Maybe you won’t be able to understand this key experience she’s having of motherhood, but there are so many other facets of her personality that you can help her uphold.
The best thing you can do is have an honest conversation with your friend about how you can support her through this journey of motherhood, or vice versa. Both motherhood and childfree living will impact each person in its own special way, and it's far too easy to misunderstand or assume. If we don’t talk about how we can navigate these things in our friendships, it’s all too easy to drift apart, even if neither of you really wants that.
Check out my free download, Between Friends.
It’s a conversation between me and my friend Lauren Grant, a mom, step-mom, and filmmaker, about how we’ve navigated our friendship as a childfree person and a mom.
Finally, know that a diversity of life paths only enriches everyone. Some mom friends have told me that it’s important to them to show their children that there are other paths you can choose, and so by virtue of being in their lives, I’m contributing to expanding their kids’ worldview.
That goes both ways. I, too, really appreciate having people with different perspectives in my life. My friends have all chosen really different life paths, be it on the Kids or Childfree topic, or that they live somewhere different, or that they work in a unique profession. Their varied perspectives bring a lot of richness to my own life.
A fellow mom/childfree person isn't an automatic friend
It’s all too easy to assume that one person’s parenthood experience is representative of all people’s parenthood experiences, and the same with childfree life. That’s simply not the case.
Even if someone else chose the same path as you, it doesn’t mean your experience of being a parent or of being childfree is going to be the same. You can still feel disconnected in a room full of others who made the same decision as you.
That’s not just true for strangers, either. Even in friend groups, each friend’s experience of parenthood is going to be different. It’s nice to be under the illusion that, if you did make the same decision as all your friends, everything would be hunky dory and you would never feel like an outsider again, but that’s an illusion.
We can (and should!) cultivate new relationships
Look around and ask yourself: Who else is in the same boat as me? Maybe there's someone in your outer circle, or a friend of a friend, who's going through a similar struggle on the fence or who's choosing the same path as you. Well, now’s a great time to reach out and build a closer bond!
As an example, when I was stuck on the fence about my Kids or Childfree decision, I felt very alone. Once I started opening up about my ambivalence and uncertainty, I realized it wasn’t just me. Other girlfriends were grappling with that decision. I doubled down on those relationships and started spending more time with them. We even ended up going on trips together. We grew much closer.
Something else is important here: you'll meet new people in life. It might seem obvious, but it is so easy to forget.
We have this idea that the future will have the same cast of characters as life today, but that’s just not the case. If you have kids, you’ll meet other people who also have children, who are at that same stage and are going through the same things as you. Likewise if you choose to stay childfree, there are incredible communities of childfree women that you can cultivate relationships with.
I adore this quote: “You still haven't met all of the people who are going to love you.”
How comforting is that? Although I have a wonderful extended network of loved ones, friends, and family, there are people I haven’t even met with that I will become close with, have adventures with, travel with, who will see eye to eye with me. I want you to believe that it’ll be true for yourself as well.
Yup, you are missing out
It might comfort you to reaffirm that you will miss out on whatever path you don’t choose. Acknowledge that, and see if you can find peace with that.
In my case, I am missing out on this really beautiful human experience of having a child or children. And admitting that somehow makes me feel more OK with it.
Admitting – not dwelling or ruminating or crying myself to sleep every night thinking about what I’m missing out on, but just saying, Yes, I'm missing out, and that's alright.
You cannot do it all
You can’t do it all. And you never could.
It’s not just with this decision. This has shown up in your life again and again and again. You can’t be in all the relationships, live all the places, have all the different professions.
Everyone has to choose a path. Doors eventually have to be closed. And if you stay in limbo, in this middle zone on the fence indefinitely, you’re missing all the joy that comes from affirmatively choosing a path.
Live a life that feels good to you
It's not “the right choice” vs. “the wrong choice” or “the better choice” vs. “the worse choice.” Rather, you have different options, and that’s all they are – different.
For example, I was in sales for a long time. I could’ve just as easily been in human resources. Would a career in HR have been better than a career in sales? Maybe. There are merits to one versus the other. In sales, you get uncapped earning potential in the right role, but in HR, you don’t have the pressure of having those targets. In both positions, you deal with people, but with HR you get to know your team members better, and in sales, it’s a greater variety of people.
There are pros and cons to each, and at the end of the day, they’re just different jobs. The one you end up doing is not better or worse than other jobs; it’s just different.
Now let’s apply it to the Kids or Childfree decision.
One of the most daunting things I heard when I was on the fence was this: You’ll never know great love until you have a child.
Today, I think about it like this: I know and experience love, and it feels damn good. I think of the love I have for my husband and how our love has grown richer with the years. I think about the way I feel about my dog, or the love I have for my little nephew. I think about the love I have for my friendships. This is love.
Now, what if I were to find out that this is not the most love possible? If there was some way to measure that the love my friend has for her husband is deeper and greater than the love I have for my husband?
It’s bizarre to think about it, but even if it could be quantified and measured, I don’t really care if what they have is quantifiably more, because what I have is good, and I’m happy with it.
What I have is great love. I’m not focused on the greater love that I don't have.
In fact, it feels silly to think of it that way.
Even if the love one has for one’s child is, indeed, greater, more meaningful, more profound, somehow better, and so I am missing out by not having a child, even if that’s all true, I’m OK with that, because I’m happy with what is. What I have feels good to me.
For journaling exercises on this topic, you can listen to the podcast episode Keltie Maguire on Navigating FOMO.
To dive deeper into FOMO, check out the Kids or Childfree On Demand class Tackling FOMO.
