Will Future Me Regret My Choice To Become a Mom, or My Choice To Stay Childfree?
- 14 hours ago
- 6 min read
Fear of regret – regretting becoming a mom, or regretting staying childfree – comes up with almost every client I work with.
But one client recently phrased it in a way that I want to examine more closely.
She asked:
“How do I trust that my future self will want the things that I feel like I want today? If I’m making this decision in the present time, how do I know that Future Me is going to be happy with the choice?”
Oof. Great question, right?
People constantly evolve and change. So how can you make a choice today that you’ll be happy with for the rest of your life?
Who are you making the Kids or Childfree decision for?
Hopefully, the answer is, “Me! I’m making it for me!”
Or maybe, if you’re leaning towards having kids, there’s an element of doing this for the child you hope to have.
(Answers that give me pause? I’m doing this for my parents, so they can become grandparents. I’m doing this for my friend group, so that my decision matches theirs and we can go through it together.)
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But the question stands, which “me” are you making your Kids or Childfree decision for? Current Me or Future Me?
You might be surprised to know how many people prioritize Future Me in this decision. They’ll think almost solely about what they’ll want when they’re in their 60s and 70s and 80s.
The problem? No one really knows – or can know – who they will become and what life will look like by then.
If you’re solely making the decision for Future Me, you’re making assumptions. On a basic (and somewhat grim) level, you’re assuming you’ll be around to reach the age where you think you’ll be happy with your decision. I hope that that’s true, but sadly, the future is never guaranteed.
Another assumption implicit in that approach is assuming that your child, and your experience of motherhood, will be a certain way. Many people are imagining being a grandparent and having a lovely, close relationship with their adult children who live just around the corner. None of that is an automatic outcome of having children – not the close relationship, not the geographic proximity, not the grandchildren.
The nuance I’m bringing here may feel complicated to you, but don’t get too lost in the abstract what ifs. Rather, I want you to think through, Who am I making this decision for – Current Me or Future Me?
Plenty of people make this decision solely for Future Me, while others make it solely for Current Me. While I would argue that, ideally, the decision should be made for a mixture of both Current Me and Future Me, ultimately there is no right or wrong. But if you’re stuck, asking the question can help shine a light on valuable insights.
How to factor the ways life might change in the future into your Kids or Childfree decision
Thinking about all of these big picture things of how life could look or what might happen can be scary, overwhelming, and confusing.
Rather than trying to anticipate all the ways life might change or fearing that you’ll change your mind, try and identify the throughlines of your life.
For me, my past looks very different from my present. If I look back 10 years ago, I lived in a different country and worked in a different industry. Since then, I got married, I moved abroad, my father passed away, and I started my own business. Many facts of my life look radically different than they used to. If every decade of my life brings this same amount of change, then what will my life look like decades from now, when I’m 70 years old? It feels scary to even try to imagine.
But here’s what’s stayed the same.
10 years ago, I loved being in nature and moving my body in the mountains. That has stayed the same. 10 years ago, I wanted to work for myself and be my own boss. That has stayed the same. 10 years ago, I was extroverted and loved fostering connections with those around me. That has stayed the same.
Focusing on that, I can see throughlines of valuing community, connection, movement, nature, and independence. Those qualities were present 10 years ago, and 20 years ago, too. Sure, the ways these values express themselves changes over time, but the values have stayed the same. I feel confident assuming I’ll still value these things in 10 and 20 years from now.
So think: despite lots of change, what has stayed the same for me?
If you’re less worried about how you will change over the years and more freaked out about how the world will change, check out the Kids or Childfree On Demand class, An Uncertain Future.
Cultivate self-trust
No one likes uncertainty. But we need to trust ourselves that we’ll figure things out.
Self-trust is a big part of the Kids or Childfree decision. You need to feel like you’ll be OK, even if you end up disliking certain aspects of the life you choose. That you’ll be OK, even if you have moments where you doubt if you made the right choice.
Those feelings are unavoidable. But that doesn’t mean you’re doomed for a life of doubt and regret.
What you need to understand on a deep level is that, already in life, plenty of stuff that absolutely sucked has happened to you. And you have gotten through it.
Your success rate for surviving tough things is 100%, no matter how messy getting through it may have been.
Hold space for that in your mind, and now, turn to the future and see that this will be true in the days to come, as well.
I have the resilience, the fortitude, the strength, and the ability to get through tough times. Because I survived the things that happened in my past, I trust that I will be able to get through whatever happens in the future.
Regret isn’t a prison
Let’s talk about that big fear. What if you DO wake up in 10, 20, or 30 years and wish you’d made a different choice?
It’s not the case that your hands are tied and there’s nothing you can do. Sure, maybe by the time that feeling hits, you’ll be at a point where having kids is no longer on the table, or where you already had a child or children and you can’t undo that. But there are other aspects of your life that you can change.
Neither parenthood nor childfree living are singular paths. They don’t only look one way. There are many ways to do both paths, and if you do end up feeling some doubt in your decision, you can course correct.
If you’re childfree, and you’re missing having connections with future generations, you can cultivate relationships with young people and invest more in the cross-generational relationships you have.
If you’re a parent, and you’re missing your independent identity, you can find ways to reconnect with the person you were before kids, the person you still are
You can adjust whatever needs adjusting to create a more fulfilled life.
Remember: We get to the future day by day.
I get why so many people are afraid of regret. My calmness about it doesn’t come from denying that. Rather, my calmness comes from thinking this thing through.
How realistic is it that you’ll spend most days of your life feeling great about your decision, and then one day in your 60s or 70s, you’ll wake up and suddenly feel deep regret?
Probably not very realistic.
How can I be so confident saying so?
First, I'm confident because you’re being so intentional with this choice. You’re not going in with your eyes closed. You’re thinking this through to the best of your abilities, and that alone shrinks the likelihood of future regret.
Another thing? The future doesn’t arrive with the click of a button. It arrives day by day.
The present carries us to the future, and in that present, there are so many opportunities to course correct along the way.
Think about it. Do you enjoy your life today?
I hope you do!
(If you hate how your life is today, well, first off, I am sorry to hear that, and second off, let’s start there, and reach a better foundation before taking on the Kids or Childfree decision.)
If you love your life, well, perhaps you love your life the way it is right now, and you might not want to change it by adding a new family member. If that’s what you decide, great!
But that’s not the only insight to glean from your current happiness.
The main thing I want to draw your attention to is this: if you’re happy with your current life, it shows me that you have the capacity to design a life that brings you joy. You’ve made thousands of small, medium, and large decisions to create a life that’s a good fit for you. So why wouldn’t you be able to do so again, and again, as life goes on? And yes, even if (especially if!) you decide that you do want to have a child or children.
I bet you can do just that.
This blog post was inspired by a question asked in the Kids or Childfree Workshop.
Would you like to join our next Workshop? Check out kidsorchildfree.com/workshop. All genders are welcome in this 2-hour intro to the question: should I have kids, or should I stay childfree?
