Kids or Childfree
...which path is right for you?
You've read the books.
Made countless pros and cons lists.
Endlessly deliberated and even wondered if you and your partner should just leave it up to fate. [“We’re not not trying” anyone?] At least that way you wouldn’t have to decide.
Regardless of what you’ve tried (and trust me, it feels like you’ve tried it all) — you’ve spent countless hours, and probably years, trying to get clear on whether kids are for you.
AS FEATURED ON
I know the shame and loneliness
that comes with being stuck on a decision you’re told you should just inherently know.
I felt unfeminine.
That there must be something wrong with me, like, I don’t know — maybe my hormones were out of whack.
I wondered if I was destined to live in indecision for the rest of my life. And I worried that no matter what I chose, I’d always feel pangs of regret.
The struggle to decide whether to become a mom was one that consumed me for the longest time. But despite the bumpy road, just shy of 40, I arrived at the right decision for me: I want to live my life childfree.
From the other side of my decision there’s something I want you to know:
A confident choice does exist — no matter which path you ultimately choose.
I created Kids or Childfree to offer you the support, resources, and community I personally found so lacking when trying to decide whether kids were for me.
“I just wanted to say a huge thanks for the We are Childfree podcast you did. I have listened to so much content on this topic and what you said helped me enormously.”
There is nothing wrong with you for not knowing.
Deciding whether to become a parent is arguably the biggest decision you can make.
It's 100% normal to want to evaluate your choice carefully, and indecision is completely acceptable and more than okay.
Though you may feel lonely, you are definitely not alone.
Since I began speaking about my own ambivalence and uncertainty about motherhood, I’ve heard from countless women who’ve told me, “Your story is my story. I finally feel like there’s someone who understands.”
Now that I help support others to get clear on the choice that’s right for them — kids or childfree — I can assure you that there are so many of us who don’t just inherently “know”.
Your femininity nor womanhood is defined by your indecision or the choice you ultimately make.
The idea that womanhood = motherhood is patently false. So is the notion that it’s “normal” for a woman to unquestioningly, inherently know that having kids is their path in life. Yes, this is some women’s truth — but it isn’t everyone’s.
It’s all too easy to internalize these falsehoods because they are so prevalent in our society, but the fact is, having kids has nothing to do with what is or isn’t “feminine”, and “woman” is an identity that sometimes includes, but is still separate from “mom”.
Hey you, in the throes of indecision.
Here are 3 things I know to be true:
The wanting never arrived.
That might be the best way to explain why I decided not to have kids.
Of course, there are a host of other reasons I’ve chosen not to become a mom: my yearning for space and freedom… climate change and quality of life concerns… zero desire to embrace that #momlife… the list goes on.
But the wanting — well, that's probably the biggest thing. Because why would I even entertain having kids if it wasn’t something I really wanted, deep in my bones?
So you’d think this was a simple decision; case closed.
Instead, I faced so much angst, uncertainty, and deliberation, I was unable to make a definitive choice for years.
I told myself I should want them. That I'd want to be a mom — eventually. That the elusive "biological clock" would finally start to tick.
I believed I was unwomanly; broken. I wondered if I was maybe just afraid.
What if I regretted not having kids when I was older? Or worse — what if I had children, and then regretted that I did?
Wasn’t it a certain fate, like so many said, that I’d end up sad and alone?
Arriving at a clear and confident decision felt like a race against time; with 40 fast approaching, I knew I really didn't have that long to decide.
Listen to me share my story and hear how I help others...
“I relate so much to your story and your approach to the childfree life and since it is so rare to find someone that has so similar thoughts in that matter I felt the urge to write to you, just to let you know that someone that thinks and feels almost exactly like you about it, exists out there in the world, and it's me.” Monika, Norway
“I just wanted to let you know that yesterday I listened to We Are Childfree podcast with your interview and everything you said and the way you were talking about both having and not having children resonated so well with me." Podcast Listener
“Honestly, when Dear Shandy had you on their pod I was like, I need her content in my life!! Thank you for all you do." Shelby, USA